Crazy how when Im gone my family bitches and complains about how they miss me but when I'm here they just wanna ask me to do shit... Thats annoying as fuck and it reminds me on why I should stay gone. I need to make some plans shake so I can grow and get the fuck on. I just wanna be by myself. lol I swear I do with no issues, no worries, just chill vibes. I doubt THAT will happen unless I'm dead and gone.

Speaking of dead and gone, why is that people always treat you like shit when your on earth but the second you die everyone that knew of you cries and does the fool. You weren't doing the fool when you saw me struggling so why do it when you can't help. Its like level two of the bystander problem. For those who do not know what the bystander problem is, its a pysc term that basically shows that when one is in trouble and millions are around, they would look and witness rather than help. Its the idea that everyone thinks that some ONE is going to jump in and help but they don't because they think someone else will so they don't. Its pretty upsetting. How would you feel if someone was beating your ass in the middle of the street and everyone witnessed and didn't help. Thats a suck ass feeling.

Kinda how I feel sometimes.  Family, friends, social media followers, associates, co workers... all my Bystander problem. ALL watch me get my ass beat by life and not for one second try to take it off me. I always give give give give give help and stuff to my family which is right cause its family but can I just sit down for one day without being bothered since yall MISS me so much. Just saying.

Its very contradicting when my siblings bitch and vent about their jobs but when I wanna do it they don't want to hear it. Im just a big person on balance and not when its coo for yall. I just wanna go away on a island and build a life there. I don't wanna deal with the bullshit. I know who ever is reading this is lost on my topic. At this point I am just rambling about the bullshit that I deal with and trying to get it all out of my head.  Isn't that what blogging is for?

Curiousity Freed the Cat

So I have been in a relationship for almost a year now with my boyfriend. I feel happy for the most part but I get really curious about how to handle his emotions. What do you say when the person you told that you love says they can't feel anymore?

Its more of a spiritual feeling than a physical. I just feel like if you cannot feel yourself and your emotions then how can you respect and care for someone? I don't think you can. So why do I even bother confessing my love and expressing it? Should I continue to pray for him and help him see light? or should I step back because I make him dark?

I wonder what he thinks Im here for? I question if he actually thinks that my heart is full of sincerity and peace? You can spend decades getting to know someone and still not know what they stand for. I don't wanna be like that. So how do I get enough strength and patience to break down this feeling. He wants me to open up to him but I feel as If he can't completely open up to me. Maybe I should just be by myself. Its not a bad thing but it could help me understand. I just think I really care about him as a person to leave. But then again, what happiness do I really get out of this if we both hold back.

Maybe he just can't love anymore lol. Hes sooooo cold. The more time I spend with him I see him defrost.

New Year same shit?

This is a new year but it feels like Deja Vu from the previous.  Is it upsetting that I am 21 years of age and feel although I have done so much, it never counts for anything. No matter how much of a fight you give, you will never slay the dragon.

Well, the good news is that every time someone pisses me off I resort into applying to new jobs. I am in a position in life right now where regressing is not an option for me. Its like should I go to school and work? Will my schedule and mind allow me to do both? The answer is no. As much wheel power I have I feel like I cannot. Which is crazy. I just feel like I am always needed by my family and the constant bullshit that happens. Im trying to just double up on jobs so that I can save enough money for a car. If I car I feel the ability to have more hustle.

I know everything that I want takes hard work instead of hard drinks.. lol. I just do not know where to start. I feel like a train without tracks and fuel. Im trying to find fuel within myself but I don't think this lil engine can anymore. All I can do is to continue to fight and try.

Its been awhile since I have posted on this blog. Its been 5 years and quite a bit has changed. My last post was written my 10th grade year of High School and right now as you read, I am in my Jr. Year of college. I must admit that I have changed a lot compared to what I use to be.  To an extent I guess you can say it was for the good. I changed my profession of wanting to be a nurse to being a teacher. Crazy thing about it is that growing up I never wanted to be one. They're under paid, nosey, always working harder than needed, and just overall control freaks. hahaha.

I was so wrong. Being a teacher is no where near that. I have been working with children for about 3 years now and its such an eye opener because we really need better teachers.  To be a true teacher, the mentality is never about the money. It is truthfully based off of passion and the mentality of bettering everyones future. Without someone there to guide these children in a better direction, our future is destined to be whatever we put into these children, even if that means nothing. All my life I have witnessed a HANDFULL of outstanding teachers who have worked beyond a 9-5 or 8-5  to better these students.

What bothers me the most about about teaching is the government perspective of it. They act as if warfare, white supremacy, housing a prisoner is more important. It deeply saddens me how marginalized the educational system is.

PISSED

Im so freaking irritated with family and school and relationships.. like wtf. I LOVE how when I get mad everyone has a issue with it but when ppl are mad and have a attitude and take it out on me theres no problem with that.. thats bullshxt and thats not fair.. people DO NOT take responsibility for their actions, they just try to fix someone elses.. I just want it to be over..